Nothing left but the waiting

That's it, it's finally here. All the weeks of wondering, and worrying. Theorizing, and planning are over. This week I finally learn if I am losing my job. If you are reading relief in that last sentence, you are correct. The past few weeks since our CEO announced additional layoffs were coming have been anything but pleasant.

The performance of the company as a whole has been way down as the overall motivation of the employees resembles something close to hooking a large vacuum up to the building, and switching it on. To use one of the best Spaceballs quotes ever, "we've gone from suck to blow".

I have also been playing some tough mental games with myself. Have I done enough to show my "value add"? What else can I do? Does my Senior VP even know what I do?? If I am on a list, am I on the right list? Not the best use of my time.

I have always liked to think that I am in control of my career direction, my life. Sitting, waiting the last few weeks I have realized that I have been fooling myself. I simply had the illusion of control. The reality is, I liked my illusion, and initially found it quite demoralizing to have it taken away. I did not like having to ask myself "who's in control of my life"?

But, now it is all done, except for the answer. I have accepted the illusion, and am willing to function within it. I am back in control of my life, and armed with the ability to impact my own change. I have dusted myself off, and am once again a motivated participant in the corporate game. The hardest thing has been not knowing, and the victory will be in finally learning the answer.

So, this week, the guns are being loaded in our office, and I shall accept my final meal, deliver my projects, and close out my files while I wait to learn my fate. One thing I do not have to wait for is the knowledge that, regardless the answer this week, I am going to be just fine.